This page holds many valuable pieces of information for anyone who is even thinking about leaving an abusive situation. Please use these tips to make a plan and to set it into motion.
First, take this quiz. Its eye opening.
Quiz
About your relationship
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with bad names and putdowns?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Pressure you to do sexual acts when you do not want to, or ones you do not want to do?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
Make all the decisions?
Tell you you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Act like abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
Shove, slap or hit you?
Force you to drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, please contact a trusted agency or the national hotline for help. Don't be afraid. They know what they are doing and they consider your safety as first and foremost. You can find the information on where to contact those agencies on by clicking on "Contact Me" above.
There are certain things you really need to know. It will make your escape and transition much easier and smoother. If you have children, some of these tips are extremely important.
Before you leave, carefully gather the things you will need after you leave and get a trusted friend or relative to hold them for you. DO NOT LET THE ABUSIVE PERSON KNOW ABOUT THIS. It's best if you don't tell the children what you are doing either. Sometimes they can let information slip. They also don't need the stress that goes with this kind of knowledge.
The items you will need are as follows:
Each of your social security cards
Each of your birth certificates
Children's shot records
An extra car and house or apartment key
A couple of changes of clothes for each of you
Your copy of a restraining order if you have one
Marriage license and/or divorce decree
Any medications any of you might need
Money you might have been able to save secretly
Any photos you have been able to get that shows evidence of abuse, such as bruises, black eyes, casts for broken bones
Your most prized possessions
Toiletries such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.
Talk to your children's school and teacher letting them know that you have a plan and not to let your children go with anyone but you unless you notify them yourself.
If you have a job, let your boss know and that you have a plan.
Devise a code word with your children and/or neighbors that indicates that you need the police NOW and another code word that lets them know that its time to leave.
Document everything you can and keep it with all of your safe things to take with you when you leave.
Most importantly, if you can't think of any of this at a stressed moment, get to a phone and call a shelter for advice and help. Write down the number and keep it in your shoe or bra or anyplace you feel might be safe.
You are more informed than you have ever been at this point. Congratulations! You are on your way to freedom and safety already. Hang in there. You can do this.
When I got ready to go, I also, slowly over a couple of weeks, took some things from the kitchen and my clothes closet and put them in bags and boxes and my daughter kept them for me until I was ready for them. That way, I didn't have to start over from scratch. That can be very expensive. It made my transition into my new life a lot easier and less expensive.
Another step for you to take is to call a battered women's shelter near you. If you are afraid he might find you if you're too close to home, contact one in another town that is still close enough for you to get to. No matter what kind of preconcieved ideas you have about those shelters, its a tremendous place to learn how to stop being a victim and be a whole and well adjusted, confident person. It is a process. You don't just decide one day that you are running away and thats it. There is more to it than that but so very worth it. Don't give up. You are a valuable person no matter what others have told you.
When you are ready to leave, you have to go to the police station near the shelter you'll be going to. You won't get to know, yet, where the shelter is. It is kept completely private for security reasons. You will know, however, what town you will be going to. The police will take you, your children and whatever stuff you have with you to the shelter. Its best if you call the shelter's hotline ahead of time to make sure they have enough beds for you. Once you are at the shelter, a trained person will ask you a lot of questions but don't be afraid. It will be okay. They will then take you around to show you where everything is and show you to your beds where you can put your things away and settle in. The first night is very hard...I won't lie to you. You have to hang in there. It will get better and better as you learn how to be free and stay out of any other abusive relationships.
Everyone has chores to do in the shelter. Each shelter has their own policies and they will make sure you know what they are. There will be classes to attend and group sessions, all of which are invaluable. You won't want to miss a thing. They also provide certified/licensed counselors for therapy and attorneys if you need them. When you are close to being ready to leave the shelter, they will have an abundance of information to help with locating anything you need including a job, housing, public assistance, etc. Many shelters even share a few household items with you when you leave to help you get back on your feet.
If you have any questions, please contact me and I will answer you as quickly as I am able. I can also help you make a plan if you need or want that help.
God bless and protect you and remember, you are not alone and you are loved and appreciated by someone even if you don't realize it.
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